This is kind of a weird question and situation, but the majority of my immediate family (mother, father, brother, aunts and grandmother) do not have transportation. Either they can’t afford transportation, are too old to drive, feel like they’re too old to drive, don’t know how to drive, don’t have drivers licenses, or simply choose not to own a car. On the other hand, my husb and’s parents have transportation (although his father doesn’t drive due to medical reasons) so he is not used to anything like this.
When we have family gatherings I am usually responsible for transporting my grandmother (who obviously can’t help her situation), a couple of my aunts, my mom (if she’s in town) and my brother (who doesn’t know how to drive and doesn’t seem interested in learning how). If my husband does decide to participate, he usually takes his own car to avoid dealing with picking up and dropping off people. It’s also an annoyance when you have to wait until everyone gets done eat or is ready to go.
On top of all of this, I do drive and have driven for many years, but I no longer drive on the highway. I got into a bad accident in 1995 that totally demolished my car. Although I walked away with minimal injuries, I started experiencing panic attacks in 2000 and stopped driving on the highway altogether in 2001. For the most part I am able to get wherever I need to go via back roads. But when my mother comes to town she needs someone to pick her up and drop her off at the airport, and my husband is the one she asks.
We have been married for five years and my husband has transported her back and forth throughout the years. On two occasions, I just paid for her to take a shuttle to the airport so I wouldn’t have to burden him with it because he works 12 hours (and now around 13-15 hours) four to five times per week. But that poses a whole nother issue because although my husband won’t say anything, I know it bothers him. We have an issue with certain family members always asking me to borrow money, or "expecting" us to have money because we both work and they think we have money. My mom is on a fixed income and gets around $650 per month, but I really think my husband feels used.
There are other relatives who have cars but when it comes to us, they expect that we take care of everything involving my mom becuase they feel we are financially able to do so or should do it just because. So I think my husband has some hidden resentment about this entire situation, but he’s the type who doesn’t want to offend anyone (including me).
*** Edit ***
My dad called last week saying he needs a ride to go get some things out of a storage unit my grandmother had been storing for him. It’s a long story, but he’s on drugs and has been for many years. Although he appears to be functional, I limit my involvement with him becaues if I show even the slightest bit of compassion he will start counting on me for a ride whenever he needs one (has happened before).
For me to take him via back roads would be about 45 minutes. It takes about 20-25 minutes on the highway. He asked if me or my husband would take him. I don’t want to ask my husband because I already know he doesn’t want to be bothered with this. It’s my responsibility. But I’ve gotten to the point to where I hate anyone to ask for anything … and then I feel bad because I feel I’m being selfish. But this whole "I don’t have a car" thing has gotten so old.
*** Edit 2 ***
I cut off lending out $5 here and $20 there several years ago. My answer is always, "I don’t have it" yet certain people still ask. I guess they feel there will be a small chance I’ll say yes once if they keep wearing me down.
I’m shocked his resentment is still hidden. Your family needs to start arranging their own transportation and you need to get therapy for your panic attacks so you can drive on the highway again.
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I’m sure he’s got some hidden resentment there – that’s a lot of extra work for him on top of his more than full-time job. He sounds like a great guy though because he actually does it without complaint. Could you maybe talk to your family and tell them that they can’t rely on you 100% of the time? Are there taxis available or buses? Maybe even a volunteer service they could use which would be low-cost or free? Maybe you could contact a local church to see if they can offer any services for your family because it sounds like they are low-income?
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Maybe he feels like you don’t apreciate what he does enough, like you don’t thank him for it, when you’ve been with someone along time you become suddtle and forget the little things, you know what i mean, he is only bitching to bitch, guys bitch too you know after all you are his best friend and companion now, thanks him for it, my fathers the same way wit my mom and they have been together like 25 years he just complains to complain and she does to, its the way they deal, you’ll get used to it
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Yes, shuttling your ABLE-BODIED family all around town would get on my nerves, as well. They may not have a car, but they have access to cabs, buses, trains, bikes, etc. Why does everyone assume that you two are the only drivers on earth to call for a ride? Because, you have catered to them up to this point!!!! Yes, it is OK to give folks a ride who truly need it. But, this is ridiculous. You need to lay down some ground rules and start pulling back a bit. Family should not expect that you will give them a ride and you should not make everything think that you are the official family bus driver. Put your foot down and say "no" once in a while. They may get mad, but they will get over it. Your marriage and happiness is more important than giving rides to everyone. And, no it is NOT selfish to say "no". If it is a hardship, don’t do it!
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You have put yourself and your husband in this situation.
Sorry but it is time to close the the bank and the limousine service.
You need to start taking care of your immediate family (you and your husband) Or you’ll be doing this for the rest of their lives. If you have other family members who can become a chauffeur and a bank, tell them it is now their turn.
You have had enough, and need to take care of yourself. Don’t feel bad, just start saying NO!!!
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When I visit some one I do not expect them to transport me nor pay for transporting me. It sounds like your family is a bunch of leeches. What do they do when you and your hubby are not around, wait until you get back. I think you need to learn to say, NO.
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if i were your spouse i would definately feel that your family is a burden as even you yourself have got sick n tried of all this pick up and drop back thing .but i am not your spouse so my opinion does not matter that much .but from what you have described of your husband i think someday you should casually talk about this with him it will be quite helpful for you.
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I would feel a little burdened but those are the breaks. When you marry someone you get the family too. What are you going to stop doing things with the fam cause they are a bit of a burden? They need to be a little more considerate of you though. Some people need to learn to ride a bus!
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him having resentment i think your buildilng up resent to your own family
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maybe it’s time for a little bit of hard love.
your a welcome mat to your family and it sounds as tho your getting fed up with it.
Law down some laws/rules. stat you will only drive them 1 time a week so make it good. that way you can still help but maybe not as much.
and tell them they need to find someone eles!
what would they do if you died?
you won’t be there. i’m sure they would find another way right? or would they sit in their homes rotting to death as well>? no they won’t they are human they will do what it needs to be done to get it done and currently your the easiest route to do that.
yep you don’t give them a hard time you don’t hassel them. you just do as your told.
put your foot down and make some rules that both you and your lover can agree upon. not them. you and your man. if they don’t agree then stop all help all together and say beggers can’t be choisers. here is the number to a taxi driver good luck saving money!
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You have got to learn how to say no…you’re stretching yourself way to thin and it will take it’s toll on your family (meaning you and your husband). You have to realize that what you have at home comes first then everything else…that’s one of the rights of marriage. I understand helping your mom out but as for the others that just don’t wish to learn to drive or own cars, you have to let them know that you’re not a taxi and refuse to be treated as one. If you have to take your grandmother somewhere limit it to certain days in the month. Let the rest of the family know that you can’t do it all and that you’re being taken advantage of…if you weren’t around they’d have to find other means of transportation. But as long as you’re being ol’ faithful they will never stop depending on you. It can be tough to tell the people you love that you can’t do something but you’ve got to do what’s best for you and your husband. I think that he’s being very considerate to have put up with this for as long as he has. Good Luck.
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As you describe it, the situation has gotten quite out of a normal frame, as you yourself feel already burdened and tiered of it.
As they are your family, it’s yours to set boundaries ! No way around but telling them, that your services are limited, and to those who think that you and your husband have "enough money", explain that your are saving in order not to have to borrow it tomorrow (in a nice way).
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It’s a lot and if it’s as much as your conveying, it’s definitely a burden. I’d first say that financially you should simply put your foot down and limit your monetary aid to your mother solely. If you have siblings, you should ask them to sit down and discuss your mothers situation, finances and a long term solution for the family. Let them know that while you and your husband are willingly part of the solution but, that you can’t afford to be the only people (or the ones most of the time) stepping up. As to the driving situation, that to me is your obligation and you shouldn’t burden your husband. If this has become too much for you, which it seems it has, you need to start curtailing the expectation. I’d start with the younger people who choose not to drive, they should be able to find other means of getting around relatively easily or can always use their legs/public transportation. The only people in my opinion that you should be going out of your way to help is those who are too old to drive any longer. The rest should have more options (friends) in the world to rely on than just you. Helping your family and friends is expected for both your and your husband but, it should never be out of your control. Start setting some limits with your family members about how much they rely on your and your husband to help them in life.
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let me get this straight – you’re naming a human being after a type of marijuana from Jamaica?
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You sound as if you have a little resentment also. Anywho…
Funny thing is I went through this same experience with some members of my husbands family. Note: I was in your husbands position and he was in yours. If we had plans they would get angry because we couldn’t take them places. Soon they began to see we had lives and as funny as it is untrustworthy. They couldn’t depend on us for rides everytime they wanted. And they soon stopped calling.
You guys need to stand up for yourselves, you are being used. If you feel an obligation or you feel you can’t stand up to them set up some rules. Like: only if they call a day ahead of time or only for the holiday or only on certain days of the week etc.
Oh, and if I were you I would reward my husband handsomely for doing this, EVERY SINGLE TIME! He sounds like a great guy and great guys deserve to be rewarded.
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I’m shocked his resentment is still hidden. Your family needs to start arranging their own transportation and you need to get therapy for your panic attacks so you can drive on the highway again.
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